Things That Might Have Happened
by pinfeather
Summary: A look at the many missed possibilities of the Twilight Saga. What if Bella spent more time with her human friends? What do vampires like the Cullens do with all of their free time? What if the people of Forks aren't as oblivious as they seem? What kinds of things does Edward keep in his backpack? What's the average rainfall of the Amazon basin?
1. If People Suspected

On her first day of school in Forks, Bella saw a group of pale students, sitting apart at a table in the corner of the cafeteria. They were talking among themselves, or staring at their uneaten food. One of the girls was constructing a huge tower out of broccoli.

"Who are they?" asked Bella.

"They're the Cullens," said Jessica. "Emmett, Edward, and Alice Cullen, and Jasper and Rosalie Hale. They live with Dr. Cullen and his wife."

"They're very nice looking," said Bella. "Except for the one with bronze hair."

"Bronze hair?" said Jessica. "You mean Edward?!"

"He's _gorgeous_," gushed Bella. Mike was still mouthing "bronze?" to himself.

"Well, I think they're vampires," said Jessica.

Bella stared at her incredulously.

"I mean, look at them, they're so pale." Jessica shrugged. "There's definitely something up with them. Plus, they set off my vampire detection machine."

"But they come out during the daytime and they don't have fangs," said Eric.

"Maybe they're a special breed of vampires. Maybe they took a vampire super-serum," said Jessica.

"I think they're giant pixies," said Mike. When Jessica rolled her eyes, he said defensively, "What?"

"But don't say anything to them," whispered Angela. "They try really hard to fit in. Emmett can be very nice as long as you don't have any exposed cuts.

Jessica patted Bella's arm. "If you need to defend yourself, there are usually some extra stakes in the art room."

Bella pulled away and pretended to laugh. "Very funny. Make fun of the new girl."

"We're serious," said Jessica.

"Yeah," said Mike. "Most people in Forks have secrets. Eric moonlights as a superhero."

"_Mike_!" said Angela.

Eric bolted to his feet. "No one was supposed to know that!"

Two men in black suits stormed in, as students reacted in surprise. Someone stood up, knocking his chair back, only for the man in the black suit to push him back into his chair.

The other man in black held up a blinking red light. "Everyone, please look at the shiny light here. We were never here . . . Eric is not a superhero or a superpowered alien, he is an average citizen . . ."

Everyone at Bella's table slid into a stupor as they stared at the blinky light. Eric looked down guiltily.

Only Bella paid no attention to the commotion. She gazed dreamily at the Cullens, who were still moodily toying with their food. She gazed dreamily at one in particular.

"He's so beautiful," she whispered.


	2. If Edward Got Bored Watching Bella Sleep

Edward stood in the corner and watched his beloved Bella sleep. Her sides rose and fell with every breath. She rolled over and mumbled, lost in a dream. Her tangled brown hair was spread out over the pillow.

She inhaled. She exhaled. She inhaled again.

She rolled over again, winding the blankets around her like a cocoon. A gossamer ribbon of drool hung from her lip. She snorted.

She breathed some more.

Edward inspected the knickknacks on her shelf and found a fine coating of dust lying over everything. He glanced towards Bella again. She was still breathing deeply and evenly.

He took a book from her shelf and flipped through it. It was _Oliver Twist. _He'd read it seventy times already. Carlisle had one of the first editions in the library at home.

Bella kept breathing.

Edward went downstairs to find a duster. He dusted every surface he could find in her room. In the middle of this, he noticed a dust bunny on the floor. So, naturally, he went to find a mop. He was careful to clean quietly and put everything back where it belonged. When he was done cleaning, he moved on to organizing Bella's desk and making crafts.

He was sitting on the end of the bed, knitting a sweater with kittens and music notes on it, when the bedroom door swung open. Holding a shotgun, Charlie stood in the doorway.

"Hands up!" he yelled. "Cullen, what are you doing here?"

Bella sat up with a start. "I'm awake! I was dreaming of beautiful things!"

Edward made a rush for the window, leaving the sweater on the bed.

"Are those _kittens_?" said Charlie.


	3. If Bella Went on a Date with Mike Newton

Edward paced back and forth.

"Will you stop pacing?" said Rosalie, peering over the back of the couch at him. "It's getting really annoying."

Next to her, Emmett was playing Skyward Sword.

"I can't get her out of my mind," said Edward. "I must go to her! Heaven knows what that awful Mike Newton is planning!"

"I think he's planning to go on a date with Bella," said Alice.

"Yes, but he might order pizza! Pizza is not healthy for her!" In his frustration, Edward seized his hair and pulled. "And then . . . and then he might try to – _hold her hand_! Or _worse_! I have to stop him!"

He made a break for the door.

"Jasper," said Emmett, "sit on him."

Jasper tackled Edward six inches from the door and sat on him.

"Okay, I'm in the Silent Realm," said Emmett.

"Hurry up and find the tear," said Alice.

"Don't go near the water!" said Rosalie.

"Hurry up!" said Alice. "One of the glowing things is coming after you in - no no no, run!"

"AAAHHH!" said Rosalie. "Run! Run! Grab it! Why aren't you getting it?"

"Oh, come on!" yelled Alice. "Ten seconds!"

"Why isn't this remote working?" screamed Emmett, pounding buttons like mad.

"I don't know," said Rosalie, taking the remote from him and dangling it between two fingers. It sparked slightly. "Maybe because you smashed it."

"Here's another one," said Alice, opening the cabinet full of spare video game controllers. "Plug it in fast!"

"No one understands me," moaned Edward.


	4. If Carlisle and Charlie Teamed Up

_Thanks to Jessica314, shazbot3, and Resisting the Borg for their reviews._

Conversations with Chief Swan always felt like a minefield to Dr. Carlisle Cullen, M.D. He had to be careful to say the right thing—after all, Carlisle felt it very important to do everything right. He held his breath as he finished looking over the body, and then nodded to Charlie. They exited the morgue together.

Immediately Charlie folded his arms, giving Carlisle a glare. "Well?"

Carlisle began to breathe again in a perfectly paced rhythm. "It seems like a wild animal attack to me. Sometimes these things happen. Perhaps a bear."

"Really? 'Cause far as I know, wild animals don't normally drain all the blood out of their prey or leave them in an alley in the middle of town."

"That is true," admitted Carlisle.

Charlie side-eyed him. "You wouldn't have an idea where these wild animals would have gone?"

"Hmm. Well, my family and I like to go hiking often. We may have seen something going south on the Interstate."

"Something with a license plate?"

"No, traveling on foot," said Carlisle. "Of course, we are talking about wild animals."

"Right," said Charlie. "The type those kids at La Push like to hunt?"

"Exactly that type," said Carlisle.

"Great," said Charlie. "I'll get out my flamethrower."

"Oh, but do be discreet," said Carlisle.

"Discreet. Sure. I might need those knives of yours."

"I'll be sure to ask Emmett if he can lend you the knives," said Carlisle. They were custom-made, able to slice through even vampire skin. Carlisle had created them to help with surgery. Emmett liked to throw them at boulders and had claimed them for this purpose. And, of course, if the neighbors needed to borrow them—say, to deal with a threat that was preying on people—something that might or might not be a rogue vampire—

Well, surely the Volturi wouldn't mind the Cullens lending a set of knives to the neighbors.

They were just knives.

Carlisle felt it very important to do the right thing.

. . .

Charlie and Carlisle sat out on the pier, fishing. Charlie's line began to tug.

"This is very peaceful," said Carlisle. "Thank you for inviting me, Chief Swan."

Charlie grunted and reeled in a fish. "Thanks for the knives. I'll get them back to you clean."

"Of course. I take it that everything is all right now?"

"Yeah," said Charlie. "Everything's good."

Carlisle couldn't smile at the thought of anyone dying, even a murderous vampire, but he could nod and feel a sort of satisfaction. The crisis was over and people were safe again.

Maybe, he thought, if he caught anything, he would give fish blood a try.


	5. If Edward Got Romantic Advice

Emmett and Jasper were building a dresser when Edward came in.

"I'm going on a date with Bella," said Edward. He tapped his pencil against his notepad nervously. "I don't know what to do."

"Isn't that the girl you wanted to eat?" asked Emmett.

Edward cringed. "Yes, but I've decided that I cannot keep myself away from her. I shall tell her everything, including that I am a vampire."

Emmett and Jasper glanced at each other. Jasper put down the hammer and brushed himself off.

"What do you need?" asked Jasper.

"Advice," said Edward. "I can't read her mind. How do I know what she's thinking?"

"You could just ask her," said Jasper.

"Yeah, the way everyone else does," said Emmett. "Seriously, other people have to function without mind-reading. You used to."

Edward made a note.

Alice pranced in. "Show her how you sparkle! Sparkling is awesome!"

"Don't do that," said Emmett, as Alice left.

Edward scratched out what he had just scribbled.

"You should rip some branches off trees," said Emmett. "Big ones. And then throw them around and smash them."

"Say sweet nothings," said Jasper. "Like – uh . . ."

"Stay away from me, I'm dangerous?" suggested Edward.

"NO," said Emmett and Jasper.

Edward thought hard. "She's my brand of heroin?"

"Give me that," said Emmett, grabbing the notepad and pencil. He began to scrawl wildly, snapping the point off the pencil. "Just start with little things. Tell her that her hair looks nice and smells like bacon."

"Actually it smells like freesia," said Edward.

"You're making me hungry," said Jasper.

"Find out what she likes," said Emmett. "Then talk about that. I'm starting to figure out why you haven't had a girlfriend for a hundred years."


	6. The Cullens Drop Out

**Thank you to Resisting the Borg, frombehindthekeyboard, and Jessica314 for reviewing. I hope everyone had a merry Christmas, unless they don't celebrate Christmas, in which case I hope they had a moderately cheerful Thursday.**

"Everybody up," said Esme. Vampires did not sleep, but she still used this phrase to summon her children every morning. "It's time for school."

Emmett got up from the couch, where he had been working on his giant Lego fortress with working catapults. (A tip: immortality and not needing to eat, sleep, or go to the bathroom is _great _for building these.)

"Do we have to?" he asked.

"Of course we do," said Esme. "It helps us fit in."

"We'll never fit in," said Rosalie. "We drink blood. Our eyes are bright yellow."

"Butterscotch," said Edward.

"What?" said Rosalie.

He looked defensive. "Bella calls it butterscotch."

"They're yellow, Edward," she said. "And we have pasty white skin that sparkles in sunlight. Remember last year, when they were growing plants in the science classroom, and they set up the sunlamp? Edward only made it through because Alice told everyone he was wearing body glitter earlier that morning."

Emmett buried his face in his hands. His shoulders shook slowly.

"I heard that thought," Edward said to Emmett, looking horribly offended.

Rosalie was not done yet. "And that's not even getting into what happened when Jasper was in gym and—"

Alice dove into the conversation as if she was tackling the opposing team's quarterback. "We _have_ to go to school! I've coordinated all of our outfits for the next five weeks!"

Everybody slowly turned to look at Alice.

"You're the one who originally suggested that we go to high school," said Emmett suspiciously.

She hesitated, started to shrug, and paused again. "We met Bella in high school, didn't we?"

"Is that the only reason we needed to go?" asked Rosalie, folding her arms. "To meet Bella? We could just as easily tell everyone that we're homeschooled. You and Edward can keep going to high school if you want, but the rest of us have better things to do. And we could do them without even getting in trouble for truancy. Seriously, we skip _every_ sunny day."

"If we don't go to school, we'll have more time to work on the rabbit farm," said Jasper. *

"Or swim to Europe and scale all of the mountains on the continent," said Emmett.

"Or help me card wool, make yarn, and knit blankets for orphans," said Esme. "I want to branch out into stuffed animals. Or you could help your father create an artificial blood substitute, or build a biplane, or start your own fashion line if that's what you'd like."

"But it's only one more year until we graduate!" wailed Alice. "I had our graduation party all planned!"

"Yes, our fifth graduation party, because the first four weren't enough," said Rosalie. "That's great, Alice."

And that was how the Cullens dropped out of high school. Except for Alice and Edward, who continued to face gym class, boring lectures and homework assignments, other students making out and blocking the lockers, and the difficulty of finding a free parking space. Ah, high school.

*In an effort to be more environmentally conscious and not royally mess up the ecosystem by wiping out all cougars and grizzlies, the Cullens have started their own rabbit farm in the back yard. When it's time to eat, they release some of the bunnies into the wild and then hunt them down. Edward has been forbidden to name the livestock.


	7. Bella Takes a Field Trip

For the senior class trip, Forks High School went to Disneyland. It was a gloriously hot and muggy day and the sun was so bright you had to squint.

"Anyone want to go on Space Mountain with me?" asked Jessica. "Angela?"

Angela couldn't handle roller coasters, but Bella volunteered to go. The two girls set off through the crowded park.

Jessica sniffled. Bella was about to ask whether she had a cold, when she pulled out her vampire detection kit. "Do you smell . . . vampire?"

"No," said Bella. "I smell deliciousness and sunlight and butterscotch. Which means Edward must be close by!"

They looked around. Huddled next to an ice cream cart, trying to look inconspicuous, stood Edward. He wore a trench coat and a sombrero so that he would not sparkle.

"Hey, they have butterscotch ice cream," said Bella.

They approached cautiously.

"What do you want, bloodsucker?" demanded Jessica.

"I could not bear to be apart from Bella," said Edward. "And Emmett wanted to go on some roller coasters. So we all came to Disney World too."

As Jessica pulled out a freshly sharpened pencil, Bella sidled up to Edward with love glimmering in her eyes.

"While I am here, might we go on some roller coasters together?" Edward asked Bella.

"Won't your hat fall off?" she asked. "Everyone will see you . . . you know . . . _sparkling_."

"Bella," he said gently, "it's a sombrero. And also I glued it on."

Jessica interposed herself between them. "You're just going to drag her off and drink her blood!"

"I assure you, I am not," said Edward.

With that, Jessica pulled a bolas out of her backpack and threw it at Edward. It tied around his legs and made him fall over, because he was too surprised to react fast enough. Then she leaped at him with her pencil, as Bella tried frantically to intervene.

. . . .

"Jessica's trying to kill Edward," said Angela to her friends, utterly exasperated. They stopped shopping for souvenirs to pay attention. "Security's separating them right now. We were right, by the way – he's a vampire."

"But it's sunny," said one of the boys.

"He doesn't burn up in the sun. He just sparkles."

"_What_?"

"Well, we really shouldn't be that surprised," said Mike. "I mean, it's not that different from Lauren being the princess of the flower sprites."

"Mike!" cried Angela in absolute horror.

"Not again," howled Lauren, as wizened little goblins leaped out from behind the souvenir shop wallpaper. They began to toss handfuls of sparkling pink dust into the air.

"He never said that," chanted the goblins, as the dust-affected students' eyes began to glaze over. "Lauren is absolutely not a fairy princess who came through a mirror portal to escape the Smog Lord. She does not have magical powers of flight and illusion, and neither do we, because we do not exist and were never here."

. . . .

Meanwhile, the Cullens huddled together behind a topiary bush shaped like set of mouse ears. All six vampires were wearing trench coats and sombreros, and they drew a few odd looks, especially Alice, who had decorated her sombrero with rhinestones and pink feathers.

"Alice, why didn't you see this coming?" whispered Carlisle.

"You know my powers are erratic," hissed Alice. "Besides, it's not like Edward _decided _to get attacked or thrown out of the park."

Esme sighed and rummaged through her purse, ignoring the flocks of flower sprites that were flying overhead and being mistaken for the Disney Fairies by overstimulated six-year-olds. "Well, we'd better go and pick him up."

"If you need me," said Emmett, "I'll be going on Space Mountain again."


	8. Alice's Powers Stop Working

"Alice?" called Bella, knocking on the bedroom door. There was no answer, so she knocked louder. "Alice, it's Bella. Did you want to go shopping with me and Jessica, or not?"

She glanced at Jasper, who shrugged and walked away.

The door creaked open and a single yellow eye peeked out. Bella pushed the door further. Alice was standing there with messy hair, clutching a blanket around her shoulders.

"It's Werewolf Appreciation Day," Alice whispered hoarsely.

"What?"

"I can't see any future involving werewolves, remember?" Alice flopped onto her bed and flung her arm over her eyes. "It's like I'm blind. I'm completely helpless!"

"I didn't know there was a Werewolf Appreciation Day," said Bella.

"Neither did I," moaned Alice. "I never saw it coming, because it has to do with werewolves."

"Really?" Bella hesitated. "You couldn't just check the calendar or anything?"

"Why would I need to do that? Normally I can just see the future to check what day it is. Unless werewolves are involved. Last year everyone decided to throw me a surprise party and I had no idea, because they were all wearing their werewolf hats."

"Well, um," said Bella, "you still like shopping, right? Jessica's waiting downstairs."

"Anything could happen," whispered Alice. "You could be hit by a car. You could get seafood poisoning. Werewolves could attack. I don't know what to do!"

Bella grabbed Alice's hand and pulled her to her feet. Alice didn't resist – just stared ahead blankly.

"Come on," said Bella, leading her down the stairs.

In the living room, Emmett and Rosalie were playing video games. Jessica sat stiffly on the couch next to them, holding a sharpened pencil and wearing a necklace of garlic. Bella had blackmailed her into coming on this shopping trip. Bella figured that aspiring monster hunters should try to encourage and get along with vampire vegetarians. Jessica figured it never hurt to have extra pencils.

"I don't know what to do," said Alice, standing helplessly at the foot of the stairs. "Bella, you and Jessica must wear crash helmets and knee pads."

"Why don't you go and get them," said Bella.

"But I don't know where they are."

"Ask Jasper," suggested Bella.

After Alice obediently trudged out, Bella turned to Emmett. "Okay, what's going on? I know there's no Werewolf Appreciation Day. I checked."

"Yes there is," said Emmett, without looking away from the screen. "We ordered a custom-made calendar. (Rose! Stop shooting me!) It's hilarious. (Aw, come on!) I'm taking bets on how long it'll take her to figure it out."

Alice came back with the crash helmets and knee pads. "These are in case something happens, because I can't foresee anything."

"To the truck!" said Bella.

Jessica flung herself off the couch and ran for the door, and they followed. Once they were safely buckled in and were wearing their crash helmets and knee pads, Bella drove off.

"What are we shopping for?" asked Alice.

"Clothes," said Bella. "You made me wear those prom dresses and the skyscraper-sized high heels. Now you have to try on baggy T-shirts in pastel colors."

"_Nooooo_!"


	9. The Author Researches Vampires

**I really like researching mythology, so I thought I'd show a few alternate vampires the cast could have run into.**

**Bella and the Jiangshi**

The rotting, greenish corpse hopped forward on one leg, following Bella relentlessly at a painfully slow pace. In its hands, frozen by rigor mortis, it carried an umbrella to protect itself from the sun.

Bella walked up to Edward and pointed her pursuer out to him. "You see? I told you it was real. I looked up Chinese vampires called jiangshi. They were mentioned in a book called _Yuewei Caotang Biji _written during the Qing dynasty."

"Why do you keep researching these things?" Edward said incredulously. "Every time you get interested in a new mythological creature, it shows up days later. Your Quileute friend turned out to be a werewolf, and then you accidentally summoned that demon last week by feeding Cheetos into a mailbox."

"The mailbox buttons made the shape of a sad face," said Bella. "I was trying to cheer it up."

Edward pushed his hands through his hair, making it even poofier. "You're a magnet for disaster!"

Mike came up to them. "Nah, Forks was that was long before Bella got here. You know Ben Cheney? Did you know he's actually a giant puppet suit piloted by living toys?"

Edward looked at him in annoyance. "Unless you have a method for dealing with this . . . creature, then please leave us alone."

"I'm serious!" insisted Mike.

Just then, Ben Cheney rushed up to them, flailing his arms. "Why did you have to tell them? Why, Michael? Whyyy?!"

"There he is!" yelled a troop of toy store employees. They chased Ben off down the street.

"Finally, some peace and quiet," said Edward. "I'll get rid of the monster in just a—"

Jacob jogged up, dragging the now-mutilated jiangshi. "Hey. Just killed your Chinese vampire for you."

Bella clasped her hands over her heart. "Oh, Jacob, you're so brave! And discreet about killing monsters in front of the local supermarket!"

Edward grumbled to himself.

**_Bella and the Vampire Squash_**

"Edward! Edward, help meeee!" shrieked Bella.

Edward raced through the trees. His beloved Bella lay in the meadow, one leg twisted in an uncomfortable-looking way. Beyond that, a monstrous creature lumbered back and forth, growling softly. Its bulk was silvery in the moonlight, and covered in paler streaks. It was at least twice the size of a football.

"Is that a watermelon?" Edward asked.

"It's a vampire squash," gasped Bella. "Oh, save me, Edward."

"It doesn't have any teeth," said Edward.

The squash leaped into the air, vines trailing after it, and collided squarely with Edward's head, making a hollow-sounding noise. The fight was swift, brutal, and ended with squash innards all over the place and Edward's nice clothes ruined.

But Edward did not finish the fight. Instead, as the growling melon regrouped, Emmett leaped into the clearing and smashed it with a tree.

"Hey, Bella," he said cheerfully. "Your dad says hi."

This was about the fifth time that Edward failed to save Bella's life, and stuff like this continued to happen. Charlie shot down the aliens that tried to kidnap her. (He used a missile launcher that may or may not have been on loan from Carlisle.) Angela performed the Heimlich maneuver after Bella swallowed a turkey bone. Alice made sure ahead of time to preemptively remove all the gunmen from the bank right before Bella dropped in to deposit a check. Jessica took down a localized zombie outbreak, and then Billy Black _(Billy!)_ averted the end of the world with his judicious use of a pack of stale donuts and some of Jacob's hair gel. And then Bella tamed a wild unicorn all by herself, stopping its rampage before it could demolish the Forks Elementary playground. It was almost as if . . . as if Bella didn't need Edward!

"Don't worry, Eddiekins," said Emmett. "Next time she's about to get hit by a van, you can spring into action."

But Edward did not feel better.

**_Bella and Dracula_**

Edward smelled the stranger before he reached the Swans' yard. It was a vampire, although his scent was very different from any vampire Edward had yet encountered.

The vampire was crouched in the branches of the tree, with his hands on Bella's windowsill. He sniffed the air and looked down at Edward. He turned out to be Dracula, from the theatrical cape to the widow's peak.

"Ah," he said. "So she's yours. I thought I smelled someone around."

"Get out of that tree," said Edward through tightly clenched teeth.

A window slammed open and Charlie leaned out with his gun. "Cullen, I told you to stop hanging out in my yard at night!"

"You have a different intruder!"

"Oh, really? Is it Jacob this time? I've got to put one of those wire cages around that tree."

Dracula dropped out of the branches, landing lightly on his feet. His hair and clothes were so black that they blended perfectly into the night. His eyes were sunken and shadowy in a snow-white face, but his pupils glowed red. He smiled, revealing long, mangled fangs.

"So sorry," he said, nostrils flaring. "I did not mean to intrude on your territory, younger brother."

Then he lunged. Charlie got off a shot, but it ricocheted. Instead Edward wrestled the older vampire down the street and over people's roofs, through the trees and up onto a cliff. Dracula was stronger than the vampires of Forks and had more powers. As they reached a high cliff, Edward staggered back from the fight. His leg was mostly torn off. Dracula was hardly marked. This fight was not going well.

Dawn burst over the treetops. If dawn could make a sound, it would be the tinkling of tiny silver bells jingling over the state of Washington until it struck Edward and reflected, glittering. He was maimed and limping, and yet he sparkled.

The other vampire lurched back, eyes wide. He laughed for the first time in centuries.

"You _sparkle_?" he sputtered. "That is AAAAARRRRGHHHH!"

His skin turned black and crackled. Flames licked at him and then exploded. He was a human torch sending up sheets of flame. The stench of burning vampire filled the air and Edward stepped back, holding his sleeve over his nose.

The fire fed until there was nothing left to feed on. It gave up and guttered out, leaving nothing but ash. The wind scattered the ashes harmlessly.

Edward watched to be sure that there was no longer any threat. Then, finally, he began to limp down the mountain, back to Bella's house. His wounds could heal on the way.

**Note:**

I am completely serious about the vampire squash.


	10. A Day with the Werewolves

**My thanks to Resisting the Borg, GeezerWench, Jessica314, Guest, staringatthesky, and BookHound for their reviews, and a BIG thanks to Panlight for the recommendation.**

Billy Black wheeled out onto the low stage and held up his microphone. "On behalf of the Quileute Council of Elders, I'm happy to welcome you all to the second annual Werewolf Convention. We've got a really great turnout today, but before we begin, I'd like to thank our local alpha Sam Uley for helping to set this up."

Applause issued politely from the audience, which consisted of elders and teenagers from the Quileute and Makah tribes, as well as werewolves from across the continent. All of the folding chairs were filled up, and there were some people standing against the walls.

Billy shuffled through his papers. "If you check your folders, you'll find schedules and a list of the workshops that start in a few minutes. In Conference Room C, Emily Young will give the talk 'Feeding and Clothing Your Werewolf Family on a Budget.'" He paused to clear his throat. "In the dining hall, Sue Clearwater will be leading the workshop 'How to Avoid Maiming Your Loved Ones.' She'll be giving a secondary talk on first aid right after lunch. In Conference Room D, Paul Lahote and Quil Ateara will lead the panel 'Growth Spurts and How to Remodel Your House.' Our guest speaker Mr. Bergstein has been delayed, so the Vampire Hunting panel will only be available _after_ lunch. Finally, here in Conference Room A, Sam Uley will be heading the seminar 'Imprinting and You.' So, we'll take a ten-minute break now and after that we'll all head over to a seminar. Thank you."

He lowered the microphone. A few people in the audience moved around restlessly in their seats, but no one got up or left the room.

Sam Uley edged up onto the stage and took the microphone from Billy. "Hi. Um, I'm Sam Uley, and I'll be starting my workshop in a few minutes."

The audience applauded. Sam quickly held up a hand. "Uh, thank you, but, uh, are you _all _here for the Imprinting talk?"

A hand immediately went up. Its owner boomed, "What's with this imprinting stuff anyway?"

Sam glanced at Billy, who shrugged. "Okay, I guess we can start a little early . . . Um, imprinting is a way in which werewolves find their soul-mates. My theory, which we'll go through later on, is that it's designed to help us find our perfect mate and improve pack genetics—"

The same hand went up, waving urgently this time. "One of my pack members imprinted on a ninety-eight-year-old woman who only speaks German. How does that help spread werewolf genes?"

Sam hesitated before saying, "Okay. First of all. Uh, may I ask what your name is?"

"Steve."

"Well, Steve, imprinting is a very mysterious phenomenon and of course that's only a theory—"

A beautiful young woman in the front row leaped up, not even waiting for him to finish. "How do I break an imprint?"

"Excuse me?" asked Sam.

"You heard me. How do I break an imprint? This guy wants to _marry_ me now, and he's not taking no for an answer. Is there a magic word or something that I can use?"

Sam shuffled his feet as he tried to formulate an answer. "Well . . . Well, it seems like this is a very delicate situation. Normally, a werewolf will do anything for his imprint and be anything she wants, whether that's a brother, a friend, a lover . . . In my experience that's normally either started out as or grown into a romantic attachment, but of course your situation may be different. But also, if you reject him, he may suffer terrible emotional pain—"

"I'm suffering emotional pain right now," roared the girl.

Near the back of the room, Jacob raised his hand. "A lot of werewolves go through a drastic personality change when they imprint. Doesn't that kind of bespeak a loss of free will, and what does that mean for imprinting as an institution?"

Sam gave him a betrayed look, making him slide down in his chair, but other hands were already waving in the air as people shouted their questions.

"What if your imprint is already married?"

"Is it true some people are imprinting on _babies_?"

"I imprinted on a U.S. Senator, but apparently we frown on revealing ourselves to government officials, so what do I do now?"

Sam waved his hands rapidly in the air, getting the crowd to finally quiet down a little. "Okay, okay, I'm going to get to all of your questions, but first, Steve. Your packmate, is he here today?"

"No," said Steve, scowling with his arms folded. "He's back home learning German. Because his imprint doesn't speak English. Which I might have mentioned. Also she's ninety-eight."

"Besides the age and language issues," Sam said quickly, "would you say they're happy together?"

Steve shrugged. "I guess we'll find out if we ever manage to translate the concept into German."

"In my experience, this kind of thing tends to work itself out," said Sam. "My girlfriend and I met through imprinting, and we had a rough start – a really, _really _rough start – but today we're very happy together. In fact, she's here at this conference today, and she's giving a talk on . . . uh . . ."

Looking around, Sam noticed that all of the other speakers, including Emily, were still in their seats, listening to his talk. Emily smiled innocently. Quil was taking notes in his conference-issued folder.

Sam sighed. "Okay. We'll pass around a microphone and do this in an organized way. I think Jacob's question was next . . ."


	11. The Cullens Learn to Budget

Bella was walking up the driveway to the Cullen house when Edward sped out to meet her, causing a breeze that sent the fall leaves flying out of their piles.

"Bella, my love, I regret that I cannot be with you today. We're having an emergency family meeting."

From the house came a high-pitched scream.

"What's wrong?" asked Bella, alarmed.

Edward looked embarrassed. "Well, we overshot our budget by just a bit and didn't realize it until all our credit cards were maxed out when we tried to fill the gas tank of Emmett's antique biplane. Alice bought out that new fashion line last week, and Carlisle bought a private island as a gift for Esme. It lies off the west coast of Rio de Janeiro in Brazil. He said we can go there for our honeymoon!"

"Edward."

"Yes, my sweet?"

"Brazil doesn't have a west coast."

"Well, no, but _this_ Brazil is in a mirror dimension where all of the continents are reversed. Also, I bought new cars for everyone."

"Why do you need new cars?" asked Bella. "You have, like, one for everyone in your family already, and they're all in great condition and super-noticeable."

"Because—we just do. I bought you one, too."

"I have a truck," Bella reminded him.

"But this one is shiny and bulletproof," said Edward.

In the house, someone screamed again. It was probably Alice. Esme flung open the door and marched out. "Edward, we need you inside!"

"Wait here," said Edward, giving Bella a kiss on the forehead. "I will return momentarily!"

. . .

Yes, it was true. The Cullens were completely out of money. They had spent every cent and maxed out every credit card on gas for cars, college tuition, electricity to light up the house at all times, and clothes, clothes, clothes. Alice's habit of wearing each dress only once was over.

"It is time to live frugally," said Carlisle. "I'm sorry, Esme. You warned us about our extravagant spending. Although you _did _buy an entire chain of craft stores to keep you supplied for your Pinterest projects."

Emmett cleared his throat and stood up in front of everyone. "Who says we need electricity? We have vampire super-vision. We can walk around in the dark!"

With a flourish, he turned off the light.

"Edward, are you still here?" yelled Bella, at the top of the darkened stairs. Then she fell down the stairs with a shriek. Edward ran to minister to her wounds.

Emmet flicked the light back on, looking guilty. "Okay, that was badly thought out . . ."

And thus began the glorious task of restoring the Cullen wealth. They made back a lot of it just by returning their surplus clothes and cars. In an attempt to supplement their income, Jasper branched out from rabbit farming to chicken farming and began selling eggs at the nearest farmer's market, which would have been great except that the chickens kept succumbing to disease.

Undaunted, Esme set up a budget that no one was allowed to deviate from. Alice was no longer allowed to have credit cards, but threw herself into the project and suggested that in the interest of not wasting anything, they change their cafeteria meal plan so that they wouldn't buy food only to throw it away immediately.

It was a good lesson in frugality, which they should really have remembered from the Depression.


	12. The Travels of the Volturi

The word was out. An informant had pointed the Volturi in the direction of a horrible event unfolding right now in the presence of the Cullen coven. There would have to be bloodshed.

First all of the Volturi had to load their things into the limousines, which took forever because the guards kept fighting, so Marcus had to sit between them and separate them. And Jane couldn't find her good gloves, so they were half an hour late to the airport. The gloves would turn up a week later, in the pockets of her second-best coat, which had been at the dry-cleaner's. These were very good dry-cleaners who didn't ask too many questions about the numerous bloodstains they had to wash off.

"We have to _go_," wailed their informant. "The problem's getting worse with every second."

Aro waved airily. "Don't worry. We'll be off in no time."

The plane flight over was horrible. Some tourist in the next row spilled a chili dog all over Alex's best war robes, and of course the airline only offered drinks for _humans, _nothing for vampires. Caius and Marcus passed a motion to slaughter everyone on the plane if that three-year-old in the row behind them shrieked again, but Aro vetoed it.

This was all before the plane even got off the ground. There was a three-hour delay, and the bus in America left without them, so they ended up hanging out in baggage claim for another hour while Aro argued on the phone with his wife and finally decided that they should never put the guards on another plane again, and ordered a new bus.

And then, of course, they couldn't go to the Cullens right away. There was a dispute between vampire covens in Maine, which they had to settle. On the way back, the guards all started whining that they wanted to see Niagara Falls, so they stopped in New York for the day.

The rest of the trip progressed in much the same way. Felix began collecting monogrammed towels and little bottles of shampoo from all the hotels they visited, but after 1,624 stops the bus was getting crowded and Marcus made him throw them out.

"I can see your attachment to these souvenirs," he could be heard saying at the back of the bus as Felix fumed and stomped around. "But I can also see that the people on the bus are growing irritated with your actions, and as a result your relationships with Jane and Demetri are becoming strained."

(It was so much fun to talk to Marcus.)

Around that point, the National Society of Vampire Hunters caught up with them and it was necessary to have a little chat, during which they partially destroyed the tourist center at Mount Rushmore. And Aro and the guards hadn't even finished their tour.

Caius took to lying down in the bus with a towel over his head for long periods of time.

Much, much, much, much, much, much, much, much later they finally made it to Forks.

"We're honored to have you here," said Carlisle, eyeing the bedraggled group. "I beg your pardon, but we expected you two years ago. I'm afraid the situation has blown over."

Aro sighed deeply. "You have no _idea _what it's like trying to travel with these people."


	13. Edward Endorses Proper Safety Procedures

"Jacob!"

Jacob looked around. There was no one else in his garage. He shrugged and went back to work.

"Jaaa-cob!"

That sounded like Bella. Sure enough, a moment later she popped out from behind the shelves. She was wearing a crash helmet, elbow and knee pads, and had a pillow strapped to her front.

Jacob stared at her for a minute and then burst out laughing. Leaning against the car, he wiped his tears away.

"Edward thinks I shouldn't be allowed to drive motorcycles anymore," said Bella. "He also wants to pad every sharp surface in my house, and he says that if I'm going to spend time with vampires, I've got to wear this."

"Doesn't he drive like two hundred miles per hour with you in the car?"

Bella sighed. "I don't want to stop driving motorcycles. I just got my license."

"Then don't let him stop you."

They took their motorcycles and were on their way outside when Edward stopped them. He was wearing a backpack the size of a bathtub. His referee's whistle blasted loud enough to shake the windows.

"Stop!" he added redundantly, striding forward. He jingled and rattled as he walked. "Motorcycles are not safe enough for Bella. Sweetheart, are you dehydrated? I have brought Gator-Ade. Did you get a blister running through the woods? Do you need Band-Aids?"

Bella sighed.

"What was that? Are you sick? Are you having trouble breathing? Hold on and I'll check your pulse. I have an oxygen tank here somewhere—"

"Edward," she said, "although I long to gaze into your amber-topaz-butterscotch eyes and touch your pretty marble face—"

"I'll be in the garage with the music turned up," said Jacob in disgust, as he wheeled his motorcycle back inside.

". . . Despite all of that, Edward, and despite your incandescent abs, I can take care of myself," said Bella. "I can drive a motorcycle just fine, and I don't need to wear a pillow. Besides, you drive like two hundred miles an hour in your car. What if we hit a moose or something? I'd, like, die on impact."

Edward looked crushed. "You're right. I'm too dangerous for you, Bella. I'll go now."

"Wait!" said Bella as he turned away. "I'd . . . I would love some Gator-Ade."

"Really?" His face lit up.

"Really," she said. "As soon as I take all this gear off. It's really uncomfortable."

Edward dug through the backpack. "Would you rather have Lemon-Lime or Strawberry Kiwi – wait, that's bear blood. _Here's_ the Gator-Ade."

"Just so we understand each other," said Bella, "I don't need to be protected _all _the time, and I can ride my motorcycle."

"Will you at least wear a helmet?"

"Yeah."

"And no flowing clothes that could get caught in the wheels and—"

"_Yes, _Edward. I'm not stupid."

"I know," he said.

"Do you want to go with me?" she asked.

"Very well."

So, after disposing of the empty Gator-Ade bottle in the proper trash receptacle, Bella drove off on the motorcycle. Edward sat behind her, with his arms around her waist, and closed his eyes tightly.

"I thought you liked to drive fast," she yelled.

"PLEASE WATCH THE ROAD," he replied.


	14. The Volturi Have a Meal

As Bella, Edward, and Alice prepared to leave the Volturi headquarters, Bella and Edward snuggled on a bench and touched each other's faces with the trademark desperation of codependent lovers. Suddenly Bella paused.

"That was a lot of vampires," she said. "What do they all eat? Do they have a rabbit farm, too?"

"Uh, no," said Alice. "Actually, as we've told you before, we're kind of a rarity among vampires because we're vegetarians, except for the part where we don't actually eat vegetables because they don't have blood . . ."

"Alice, you're stalling," said Bella.

Edward sighed and admitted, "They eat tourists." He pointed at a troop of tourists who were just trotting by after a tour guide, oohing and aahing at the beautiful architecture and statues. A teenage girl paused to take a selfie.

"That's horrible," cried Bella.

Edward and Alice glanced at each other. Then Edward folded onto one knee. "Forgive me, Bella! I'm an awful person. I was right, I'm too dangerous for you to be around."

Bella hit him with her purse, startling him into silence. "Not you, them! They're going to murder all of those people!"

"Oh, right," said Edward. "That _is_ horrible. I should really do something."

"Not unless you want to be executed for real," Alice said.

"There were kids in that group," said Bella. "And retired citizens! And possibly someone who was going to cure cancer and now they won't because they were eaten!"

Edward stood up, clamping a heroic look to his face. "I will save them."

"If you die, Carlisle and Esme will kill me," said Alice. "And Bella will go into withdrawal without you."

"Also, did you see that girl taking pictures with her phone?" Bella pointed out. "Someone's going to tweet 'My legs just got torn off by a vampire! Hashtag, Europeans are so weird!'"

So off they went all together, following the tour group. They followed them right into a large room set up as a blood drive, complete with volunteers and Red Cross signs. There were no vampires anywhere in sight, but most of the tourists were having small amounts of blood drawn, and then going over to a table on the other side of the room for pizza and souvenir T-shirts set up under a large poster reading "Thank You For Saving a Life Today" in English and Italian.

"What's going on?" asked Bella. "I thought you said they eat them."

Edward and Alice were not listening. They moved immediately to protect Bella as Caius walked through the door behind them.

"Eat the tourists?" Caius didn't laugh the way Aro liked to, but he could do a very condescending smirk. "Don't be idiotic. If we did that, then within seconds we would be upon the MySpace or whatever it is you humans are obsessed with in this decade."

"Told you," muttered Bella to Edward.

"I'm sorry," said Edward. "We just assumed—"

"Of course you did," said Caius scornfully. "No. We ask them to donate blood at the end of their tour, and the blood of course goes straight from the human assistants to us. Many of them choose to donate after getting the fifth or so pamphlet, and then we give them free pizza and gelato and encourage them to purchase souvenirs from our gift shop. Then they go home and tell all their friends to visit the lovely castle of art and pizza. Everyone wins."

Bella looked at Alice and Edward, who were nodding and looking appeased.

"This explains why Carlisle didn't feel morally obligated to stop the Volturi from drinking human blood," said Edward.

"Yeah," said Alice. "Can you imagine if Volturi _were_ slaughtering innocent tourists, and Carlisle knew but didn't do anything? What kind of world would that be?"

"One that we do not have to worry about," said Caius, "because only a few select and trusted humans are aware that vampires exist. Isn't that right, Miss Swan?"

Bella thought of her human friends in Forks. There were a lot of them, and they probably were not considered trusted individuals by the Volturi.

"Absolutely," she said, very sincerely, and was thankful that she had a mind shield.


End file.
